Pardoning Yourself

For many years I lived under lock and key in my own psyche, convinced by a deeply-implanted thought-seed: I am bad.

In keeping with the belief, I felt it was necessary to keep a suspicious, critical eye on myself at all times, as well as think of myself poorly.

As for what I feared would happen if I forgot to hate myself for a moment, well. I thought chaos would break out.

This fear of my nature was reinforced by frightening times of eruption from the underworld, times when I failed to keep a lid on me. I know now that what surfaces can be scary to me and other people at first, because it’s intense and concentrated energy, but that it’s not actually bad in its nature.

It’s psychological material. Sides of my human spirit (and truly, that of the collective) that are not supposed to surface in this world. Uninvited guests.

Things like desire, gifts, and anger. Power, grief and the truth. My creative urges and my negative opinions of authorities in charge.

As well as less grand-sounding things, pure raw needs. The need to show off, to get attention, to be loved by everyone.

All made worse, more ardent, and desperate, naturally enough, because of having to somehow find a way to live underground in me, and to operate undetected by a sea of inner policemen.

Without getting into the details of how and why I needed to take on the belief that I was bad in order to survive in my context, I can share the truth that I know, and on some level have always secretly and most privately known, that it is not at all true.

My badness was only relatively true. True because others asked it to be true of me. True because others needed it to be true.

The following song from Sun Wedding is about the experiences I had feeling like an outlaw, forever banished, forever punished.

And about the day when another part of me showed up to protect her, to fight to give her safe passage.

Special thanks to my soul friend Zöe Dearborn, who gave me the assignment to make a song about my need to set myself free.

Little outlaw, running for your life

I can hide you in my home, protect you like a wife

I’ll fight off those county men with my sawed off shot gun

and I don’t mind to take a fall if there has to be someone

Little outlaw, who did you offend

you’ve got the whole town after you

and they don’t look like friends

I can face them down for you, I have no fear of blood

That kind has been after us since long before the flood

unholy beast obscene, monster crowned as three

hungry for your dread, he only lives if you are dead

So help me God, there’s nothing that I want more

than to see you walking safely out my back door

Ooh honey you were born a perfect child

and it’s high time to finally set you wild

Take this trail, it goes up behind the mountain

There’s a glacier there that’s flowing like a fountain

Give my name to the keepers of the water

they’ll take you in and love you like a daughter

So help me God there’s nothing that I want more

than to see you safely walking out my back door

Oh honey, you were born a perfect child

and it’s high time to finally set you wild

My Invitation to You:

Is there any ancient, long-carried crime or karmic burden that you can pardon yourself for?

Do so in art.

You’re allowed to forgive yourself, you are good inside. You’re a good doggie, you don’t have to be in the doghouse anymore. Unless you need to be in there some more to feel safe. That’s ok too. It’s up to you.

(thanks Zöe)

—